I watched Oldboy for the first time with fellow barbeardian Patrick about four years ago. Strangely, it was available to rent (borrow?) from our school's library, so one rainy afternoon, he and I sat in his dorm room, popped it in, and watched. The movie begins with the main character holding a man over a rooftop ledge by his tie--this is the point where I realized this rainy afternoon was about to get weird.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky

Riki-Oh is not your garden variety low-budget action film. This movie targets the demographic of immature men that have been desensitized to TV violence from an early age. Less money on acting, story, and editing = more money for fake blood and limbs.

Let's do this if we're gonna do this. And why not? After starting the week with Keith David and John Carpenter, we should finish the week the same way. Today at the Barbeardian, we bring you one of the baddest fights ever filmed.

 

Martin Blank is a hitman at his ten year high school reunion, trying to win back the girl he jilted on prom night and kill one last target before he hangs his hat for good. The FBI is onto him, Dan Aykroyd's fucking up all his plans, and a millionaire psychopath is trying to get even over an incident from years earlier.

Grosse Pointe Blank, my fellow barbeardians, is a manly, badass movie.

You could say it's a romantic comedy. You could say it's an action movie. Whatever it is, it's one of my all-time favorites.

My Fists of Friday pick of the week is a scene in which Martin heads back to his old locker to rekindle some nostalgia, only to be interrupted by the psychopath I mentioned earlier. Martin knows it's either him or the other guy, and it's a fight to the death as Mirror in the Bathroom by The Beat (the entire soundtrack is 80's hits) fades up from the reunion dance floor.

What's up, 'beardians? Who's in the mood for a fight? I know I am. And there is no better kind of fight than a boxing match. And there is no better kind of boxing match than a bare-knuckle boxing match. That's what I've got for you today.

A good fight consists of two equally matched opponents smashing themselves against each another until one of them has more bones jutting out of his face and torso than the other one. At which time, the referee will stand over the corpse of that man, declaring him unfit to continue. The winner then pushes his eyeball back in and goes home with a new belt to keep his insides from herniating.

Now that the week is finally over, I think we all deserve to kick back and watch something ridiculous. This gem comes to us from a 1987 action masterpiece Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Not that I have to go into the plot, but it's apparently about a couple of "agents" who work for "The Agency" that are fighting some drug lord over a bag of diamonds? Not exactly sure why, but whatever. And also there is a killer snake that has been turned into a monster with toxic waste. No bullshit there, it is in all seriousness an actual side plot. Toxic Waste Snake.

All of that might be crazy enough, but it's a scene that comes about three-quarters into the movie seemingly out of nowhere that really ramps up the nutso factor.

I'm a day late on this. I was too busy losing weight by frying meat in butter.

Welcome gents, to Fists of Friday!

Every week we'll celebrate the finest bouts of fisticuffs in cinema. We kick off the series with maybe not the best on-screen fight, in fact it's pretty short and not all that exciting. But it stars a character that not only shares a name with the segment, but when he fights, he brings a little "by the books" justice to the alleyway.